Free Web Hosting Provider - Web Hosting - E-commerce - High Speed Internet - Free Web Page
Search the Web

Black Country Humour and Jokes






Home Page

Black Country Humour and Jokes

Black Country Verse and Rhyme

Black Country Food

Edge Family Tree

Edge Family Album

Gun Barrel Making in Old Hill

A lads eye view of canals in the 1950's-70's

BCN Tugs in pictures

Dudley Tunnel Photos

Restoration of Narrow boat BINGLEY

 BINGLEY restored

A new cabin for Bingley

BINGLEY in trade

Favorite Links Page

Working Boats Past my Window

Canal Oddments

Slide Show Page

Guest Book Page

  


BLACK COUNTRY HUMOUR, JOKES AND STORIES


Aynuk and Ayli

THE HAMMER
Aynuk was walking down the street when he noticed Ayli sitting on his front door step holding some thing. "Wot yow dewin aer kid." asked Aynuk. "arma just lookin at this ere 'ommer 'n' thinkin aer gud its bin over the'ears." "Owdya mean Ayli." "Well arv addit abaert twentee 'ears 'n' its onny add tew new yeds 'n' three new ondles!

THE FISHING TRIP
Aynuk and Ayli decided to have a days fishing on Victoria Park Pool in Tipton. On arrival at the pool no body was catching anything so Auli thought it would be a good idea to hire a row boat to get out to where thefish were.
No sooner had they started fishing than they started pulling fish out one after another, and this was how it carried on untill the Park Keeper shouted across to them "Cum in numba tew yow times up."
The two lads packed their fishing tackle away but just before they made their way back, Ayli took a stick of chalk from his pocket and proceeded to mark a large 'X' on the outside of the boat. "wot yow dewin Ayli." Aynuk asked. Ayli's response was immediate "Arma markin the spot soowaz weel know weer ta cum fishin tumorra." "Why yow saft bugga Ayli, ow dun ya know weel av the serm boat!"

MORE FISHING TALES
Ayli was riding his bike along the towpath of his local canal in Dudley when he came across his pal, Aynuk fishing. "Ad enny luck aer kid." asked Ayli. "Ar not tew bad soo faire, arv ad fower Jacker Bannocks 'n' a whale" Not believing his friends tale Ayli scoffed "Weer am they then" Pointing to a jamjar on the tow path he exclamed "Theers the tiddlers burreye ad tew chuck the Whale back." Still not believing his pal he enquired further as to why he had thrown the whale back, to which Aynok replied "Cuz theer wor naerah spoke in it!"

THE DANCING SISTERS
It was 1944 and down in lower Gornal three sisters, Elsie, Daisy and Fanny were deciding what they were going to do as it was Saturday night.Elsie and Daisy decided that they were going to go to a dance being held in Dudley Town Hall for our American cousins, whilst the third sister wasn't having any of it and was staying home.
On arrival at the dance, they took up a prominent seat next to the dance floor and it was not long before two G.I's came over and asked if they would dance.
The sisters, all good looking and good dancers suffered with an unfortunate family trait, that of having big feet with the eldest sister Fanny, having the biggest! Each time they made a cicuit of the flore the two Yanks were tripping over their huge feet but due to their good looks and the fact that the two soldiers were gentlemen, nothing was said, that is untill after the dance had finnished and they had walked them home.
On arrival at the sisters doorstep the one G.I plucked up enough courage and said "Gee Thanks for a great night's dancing,we must go out again,but I can't help noticing you've both got big feet" At this Elsie looked blushingly at her sister Daisy then back to the yank and said"Iffn yow think aer feet um big, yow should see our Fannies!"

THE JOB VACANCY
Whilst walking home along the canal in Tipton, Ayli heard cry's coming from a man having dificulty in keeping his head above water.Instead of stopping to assist him he ran along the towpath,up a bridge and along the road to the nearby foundry. He rushed up to the foundry manager and asked "Arv just sid Joe Whitehouse draendin in the cut, giz iz job"
"sorry Ayli," said the gaffer "arv just gid iz job tew the bloke wots pushed im in!"

THE DISSAPEARING DOG
Aynuk was walking down the street when he came upon his pal standing outside the shop with a puzzled expression on his face "Wot's up aer kid" enquired Ayli. "Well it's loike this ere,ard cum daern to the shap te fetch the pink pairper un ar thort ard bring the wippit wi me ferra walk. Ar tied 'is rope up te tha' lampoost wharl ar went in the shap. Ar wuz onny in theer a minit un when ar cum aert, theer 'e wuz- gone!"

PEEING IN THE CUT
On there way home from the pub one night, much the worse for drink Aynuk and Ayli decided to take a short cut along the canal. Nearly home they reached a point where towpath rose up over a side arm spanned by one of the many cast iron bridges. At this point Aynuk stopped and turned to his pal saying "It's no gud aer kid arn gorra stop uz arm bostin ferra pee" "Ar, an me" replied his mate. So both friends stood on the parapit of the bridge and relieved themselves splashing into the canal far below whilst remembering how they'd done exactly the same many times as young lads. After a while staring at the water some distance below Aynuk looked at his pal and said "It's bloody dark daern theer ay it." The reply was imediate "Ar an the wertuz code"

THE GOLDFISHES WART
Aynuk was in the garden one day when his neibour popped his head over the fence asking "Av yow gorra rough file ar con borra" "Ar wot ya wannit fe Ayli"enquired Aynuk. "Me goldfish az gorra wart on its yed an arm gunna file it off" he replied. "Why yowl kill it ya saft bugga" "No ar wow cuz arl be careful" so off Ayli went with the file only to return minutes later."Aer dya gerron aer kid" asked Aynuk. "Oo eez jed" was the solomn response. "See ar tode ya uz yowd kill it with that file" Ayli's answer was simple "Oh it wor the file wot killed im ar think ar tightened the vice tew tight"

BURRYING THE GOLDFISH
One hot summers afternoon Ayli looked over the garden fence to see his pal Aynuk digging a hole. "Wot yow dewin aer kid" asked Ayli. "arm burryin the goldfish" Aynuk replied."It's a bloody big 'ole fe a goldfish ay it" stated Ayli. "Well it's in yower cat ay it" 


THE FIR COAT
Ayli gave his posh girlfriend from Woodsetton a beautiful fir coat made from skunk's skins to which she said. "Oh thank you very much it's so beautiful I am amazed that such a gorgeous coat could come from such a stinking little beast."  "Piss off then," Ayli replied "Ar day expect gratitude but theer ay no need te get pearsunnel!"


BUTCHER BOYS CLEAN HANDS
A boy was serving a 'posh' woman in a small butchers shop in Gornal when she asked "Your hands are clean but your arms are filthy.When you washed your hands why didn't you wash your arms?"
"I ay weshed me onds missiz: arv bin elpin the butcha claen the tripe!"


IN THE SMELLY STUFF
Ayli was working at the sewage farm when he suddenly lost his footing and slipped in.  "Elp, elp, fire, fire, gerra fire injin quick."  Hearing his cries his pal, Aynuk called the fire station.  In no time at all Tipton's fire crew responded.  "Where's the fire then?" enquired the chief fire officer.  "Theer ay one" replied Ayli "Burrif ard a shouted 'shit, shit, shit!yow wudenna terned up!"


THE TRAM ACCIDENT
Two Dudley friends were crossing the main road by the Zoo when a tram turned the corner and crashed into Aynuk throwing him to the ground and cleanly chopping his head off under it's wheels. As quick as lightening his pal, Ayli picked up the severed head and put it in a plastic bag.  He had been reading in the paper that morning about about surgeons sewing amputated limbs back on, so off he set down Castle Hill and along Tipton Road to the Dudley Guest Hospital.  He explained to the surgeon what had happened to hids pal to which the surgeon said, "This is a very difficult operation, it's touch and go" he finished by telling Ayli to come back the next day.  On arrival the next morning, Ayli was greeted by a solomn looking surgeon who said "I'm sorry Ayli your pal did not make it."  Grief stricked Ayli replied "Yow did say uz the oparayshun wuz un 'ard un an it wuz tutch n goo" to which the surgeon replied "Oh no, he suvived the operation but Aunuk had suffocated in the plastic bag.


THE ADOPTION
Ada and Aynuk had been married for ten years and had been unsucessful in starting a family so decided to adopt a baby.  When the big day arrived the social worker turned up with a new born baby.  "I'm afraid this is the only baby we have, and it is a Spanish baby."  "That orrite me wench" replied Aynuk " Will goo t' nite skewel un lern t' spake Sponish soo uz wi con undastond im whenee starts torkin!" 


THE APPLE
Two grubby little children were sitting on the kerb edge in a street in Tipton.  The one was watching his friend eat an apple. "Gizza bite mate" "Shore" was the reply. "Well leave us the cor then" "Theray gunna be no cor."

When asked by a posh friends mother if he should like his apple peeled, the Bilston lad replied "Nar I ate payle an pips"


BOOZY TALE
A small boy enterad a pub in Horseley Heath and walked up to the bar clasping a large enamel jug.
The barman walked over and asked him what he was after to which the young lad put the jug on the bar and said "Gizza quarten uv best bitter."
The barman looked down at him quizicaly "How old are you?" he asked
"I'm ten" the lad replied
"Then I'm afraid I can't serve you." responded the barman
"Cor yer, then send suman as con"


THE LORY DRIVER
A lorry was driving up Jews Lane in Gornal when it was suddenly overtaken by a car frantically beeping its horn. The lorry driver wound down his window, leaned out and asked "What's up aer kid" the car driver responded "Yowm lewzin yower god lowd off the back"  "Ya daft prat" replied the lorry driver "arm grittin the rowd." 


LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
Two old dears from Toll End were sat in the passage of the Golden Cup pub enjoying a half of mild each and talking fondly about their husbands.  Florrie turned to her friend and said "Well Nellie, wen yow met yower Aynuk wuz it luv at fust site."  "Nar not really it wus probubly second" Nelly replied, "Ar day know aer much munnie us ee ad the fust time ar sid im."


THE PAINTING
A woman walked into a painters studio in Dudley and asked  the artist "Con yow paernt me a likeniz uv me drippin a gold un fabulus jewls."  The artist agreed but asked why such a strange request to which the woman replied "Iffn ar die afower me 'uzband, un ee gets marrid again, ar wonn er te goo crayzy lookin fer me stoones!"  


THE TELEPHONE CALL
A Tipton girl had been working as a secretary in a new company for about three weeks when her boss walked through the office to hear the telephone ringing and ringing.  In exasperation he enquired  "Why don't you answer the bloody phone?"  "Cuz arm damn fed up wi it" she replied "Nine times awt a ten it's fe yow anyrode"


SHORT AND SWEET
Ayli--"The bloke next dooer as jus' ad imsen a Jacozzi."
Aynok--"Ar day even know as 'e cud ride a motabike."
                                            xxxxxxxx
Teacher--"If yow ad halfcrown in booth ya jacket pockets      Aynuk,  wot wud yow av."
Aynuk--"Sumbody elsiz coot miss."
                                            xxxxxxxx
Ayli--"Ar day know as yower brutha Tum wuz jed."
Aynuk--"Ar 'n if eed a lived till ter-morra eed abin jed a fortnight."

                                            xxxxxxxxx

When asked how he was doing Aynuk answered, "Like thode boat, rubbin anna skreapin."

                                            xxxxxxxxx 

 



 

True sayings

SAYING--"A kitchin ile payntin"
MEANING-The oily stain left on the pantry wall where a home cured side of bacon has hung.

SAYING--"Ers gorra fearse like a troddon chip."
MEANING--Not the prettiest of girls

SAYING--"Te marry the miskin fe the muck onnit an get pissoned wi the stink onnit"
MEANING--To marry for money and later regret it.

Saft Sayings

"When yow fall off that brewaerse rewf 'n' bost ya leg, dow cum runnin tew me a squailin!"

"Iffn yo dew tharragen arl tek my ond off yower faerse ar wul"

"Just yow look at the back uv yower neck, it's riffy"

A question at the bus stop "Az the next buz gone yet?"



 

Saft things wot win dun.